Every year around this time I think about my grandpa. On the 19th of February is the 3-year anniversary of his death. The first year was of course the most difficult one. It was awful. My grandfather was really important to me. He was one the people who accepted me and one of the people of which I wasn’t afraid to express my feelings. He was one of the people with whom I could get angry without feeling guilty. It is important for a child to be able to express all of his feelings without feeling guilty of having them. Unfortunately, in my family “a child should never be angry, because it has nothing to be angry about. Grown ups are right, he is wrong, end of story”. My grandfather had something different. He was not perfect, in fact he was way different from perfect. But he had that little difference in his beliefs, which was vital. He was the only one that didn’t make me feel guilty.
I have never processed my feelings of him and his death. It is hard and I am afraid of feeling too sad. However, this year I decided to do that little by little. So let’s do one fragment of that together.
What does it mean to lose somebody that way? It means that you will never see them, right? You will never have interaction with him, his actions won’t affect you or your environment. So it’s like they leave an empty space in your surroundings and in your heart. They are not here anymore and you can’t do anything about it. Nobody can know how that feels like, unless they have experienced it. Nobody can tell you not to feel sorry because “it is something that happens”. Nobody can tell you how long you should grieve for them. You take as long as you need. You lost somebody, it’s ok to feel sad, it’s ok to cry, it’s ok to be spacy and forgetful sometimes. Take the time to process your feelings. It is not pleasant and sometimes you don’t want to feel a certain way, I get that; but it’s in our nature to feel. If we don’t take the time we need to understand our feelings and process them, they will just return even stronger. Accept first to yourself, that it’s a difficult period for you and take a break from your stressful and difficult program if you can.
Remember also, that only you can make you happy. Other people can contribute to your happiness, but only you can set the foundations of your own happiness. Don’t demand from others to treat you ideally and don’t blame them for your misfortune and sadness. Just set boundaries, if you feel something is making you feel worse. Explain yourself in a calm way, try to communicate with them. They might not know how to support you or what you need at that particular problem.
Finally, do something that makes you feel positive and calm. Go for a walk, draw, go cycling, call a friend, cook. I know all that you want is to stay in bed and do nothing. And I am not saying don’t do that. Just don’t do it forever. After your grieving, do something for you,even though it feels odd and ironic. It will distract your mind and little by little you will feel less sad.
Every loss is different. Every situation is different. Every person is different. Just take your time. Time does not go backwards, but fortunately it goes forwards even though sometimes it feels stuck.
Thank you for reading this.
May you have a calm day
P.s This post was in inspired from the last episode of my series, however I felt more comfortable making it an independent text.